gratefulness

i got a book for Jak the other day, to help deal with living with me (of course, because i'm addicted to books, i've already read more of it than he has). the book's called Talking to Depression by Claudia Strauss (and yes, the title bothers me, because shouldn't the person be talking to the depressed person, not the illness?). i came across this in the forward (written by Martha Manning, an author i discovered a couple of years ago in reading her memoir Undercurrents, which i loved reading at the time).

"Sometimes a person's mood "reacts" and sometimes it doesn't. A joke, a happy child, an evening out for pizza may "boost" the sufferer. It's important to know the difference between them and those people for whom winning a million bucks in the lottery wouldn't bring a smile. With these people it's like an invisible wall exists between them and the world that they once found so exciting, loving, challenging and wonderful."

so as i look at my current state, and as i look at where i've been recently and at other times in my life, i guess i can be grateful upon reading that. there have been many times that i have been the latter of the two that Manning describes. but at least now, in the midst of this (6 month long and counting) episode, i've been able to still find ways to enjoy some things sometimes. i'm still able to have my mood "boosted" a bit here and there, enough to keep up some sense of hope and encouragement. and so for that - for knowing what it's like to not be able to enjoy a damn thing, and for being able to see that right now i can still laugh - i will be grateful.