the end of lamictal

i stopped taking lamictal today. i just want a break from the headaches. if i knew that it would work the way it should, i would keep trying. i'd stay on the lowest dose until my body seemed to tolerate it enough to increase it, and keep going like that, even if it took months to get to a therapeutic dose. but i have no way of knowing that, and my body hasn't tolerated it, so i've had to give up on it.

it's really frustrating to give up like that. it should be a medication that would work well for me, that could actually help - but not if i can't physically tolerate it. i'm running out of meds that i can try.

for years, i've held to the belief that i won't find a cure through medications, and i've always doubted any will help much. so i guess the fact that i keep trying shows my desperation.

i really don't expect a medication will make me well, but i do need something to make me better. i don't expect wellness, but i do need help. i need to be able to function, to think clearly, to have the energy to get through the day, to be less apathetic, to sleep well, to care enough to eat, to be able to study. i know a medication can't give me hope, but i need something that can serve as a crutch, that can give me strength and energy. i don't want a medication that makes me feel fine (because then i know it's simply masking all the issues i need to deal with), i just want one that makes me well enough to do the things i need to do, and that gives me the boost i need to feel well enough to deal with all the other stuff.