wellness

for about 3.5 years, i've had very few times that i've felt well - and those times usually lasted for only a few days. besides that, there were three weeks at one point, and most of last summer - there might have been another time or two, but not where i felt well enough for a significantly long enough period of time for it to really register.

i realize now, that after several years in a row, it's hard to feel well. it's hard because i don't trust it - i've had recurrent depression throughout my life, and the last few years it's been pretty constant, so i don't trust it to last for long - it feels like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. it's hard because it takes effort to feel well - a different sort of effort and energy than depression takes, and though depression is hard and exhausting i guess i've sort of gotten used to it, or used to expecting it in an odd way - and i'm not quite sure what to do with the wellness. and it's hard because some days i feel like i don't even have the strength to deal with wellness, and it scares me when i think about how the hell i'm supposed to find it in me to deal with depression the next time it hits.

so i'm trying to get a better grasp of hope - a vastly underused word in my vocabulary and my life, one which i just discovered about a year ago - so that maybe hope can remain stronger than the despair of depression.

after thinking through what i just wrote, i'm realizing it's not very clear, and i'm probably not making much sense. that's what i get for posting at this hour.

for those who've been praying for me, thank you once again. your prayers have filled the gaps of my silence and gave me strength where i had none.

as i said, i'm feeling significantly better. the only thing i'm still working on is trying to sleep regularly. i've been in the midst of a pretty bad bout of insomnia for over a month now, not falling asleep before 6 a.m. lately. regular sleep is a vital part of mental health, especially in regards to mood disorders. so i'm trying to make sure to get enough sleep, even if it's at odd hours.