school depresses me

so i've been feeling better for about a month and a half now. funny thing is that i finished the semester about a month and a half ago.

in fact, the last time i was feeling this good was last summer. i finished my degree last may and had my first break in school for three years last summer (i'd spent the previous three years in school all year, including summers).

prior to moving back to boston to finish school, i'd gone for several years without any severe episodes of depression. i'd also gone for several years not being in school.

i'm sensing a pattern.

i've taken the summer off from school figuring that i needed a break after the hell that this year was and after being in school for four years straight. i'm trying to take this time off, while i'm feeling better, to make some decisions about school and life - little things like that.

i don't know that school is worth the breakdown in mental health that i suffer. but i don't know that i'll be content if i give up so easily on getting this degree. i don't know if getting my adhd treated and under control would help stave off depression enough for me to get through school a little less painfully. i do know that i get severely depressed when i'm in school. i do know that antidepressants haven't worked for me.

so i've been taking grad courses for a year now, and still haven't actually applied for the program. i'm scared. i'm scared i won't get in. i'm scared i won't be able to handle it if i do get in. i want to take classes, i want to be in school, i want to learn, and i want to get this degree. but school kills me. i don't know if i can take it, or if i have what it takes, or if it's really worth it considering what school takes out of me.

i guess i'm just having one of those moments where i wish i could see what would happen if i tried, if i had a little crystal ball or something to tell me how things would turn out, so i could make a decision without having to worry so much about the risks involved.