changing meds. . . i think

when i saw my pdoc three weeks ago, he gave me three options for mood stabilizers (ones i haven't yet taken that i can still try), and we decided i'd stop taking my anti-depressant as of that day.

over the last three weeks, since i've stopped taking the antidepressant, my mood has improved significantly. no, i am not well yet, but i feel a vast improvement to how i was previously. so, i don't seem to do well on antidepressants as far as how they affect my mood (seeing as they cause the opposite of what their name implies), but i do notice that certain anxiety symptoms get worse when i don't take them. it's really a juggling act to get it all straightened out - if i take them, i feel like crap, and if i don't, then i panic.

during my appointment last week, we decided on one of the mood stabilizers for me to start taking. i haven't started taking it yet though. i've kind of freaked out about it.

you see, the current mood-stabilizer i'm on can cause liver damage, endocrine/reproductive problems, as well as birth defects, developmental delays, and mental retardation in a child if i happen to get pregnant while taking it. so i'm desperate to stop taking it.

the new one has a much lower incidence of side-effects, but it's pretty much the same list from what i've been reading. well, i guess it doesn't affect the liver as i won't need to continue getting my bloodwork checked; that one is replaced by a problem with low sodium instead (so i get to eat a lot of potato chips).

i'm scared of these meds. i'm scared of the long-term damage they can cause, that which has been proven as well as those things they haven't figured out yet. i'm scared of an unplanned pregnancy in the midst of it (i could never bring myself to have an abortion, but i don't know if i could handle the effects the meds could have on a baby - or if i could ever move past blaming myself if something did go wrong).

and i'm scared it won't work. i'm scared of the thought that my options will be limited even further than they are now as far as what meds i can try.

it's very hard to deal with illnesses that are so invisible. mental illnesses are not only less acceptable to others, i find that they are harder to accept in oneself as well. if i had to go through chemo, literally poisoning the body to get rid of something physically wrong, it would make sense. but to poison the body because of an illness in the mind? it's harder to comprehend and much harder to accept.

these meds are not safe meds. they are not without consequences. and this week, i haven't been able to bring myself to be willing to accept those consequences. i keep feeling that i shouldn't need them, that it's just my mood, not something that is as serious as a physical condition or something that has life or death consequences. but the fact is, suicide is primarily a consequence of mood disorders, and to not treat this can put me at risk.

so, for those who've been praying, thank you. i have been feeling better, and i believe your prayers have played a big part in my finding the right doctor and having had the strength to get through the last few months.

and i ask for continued prayer as Jak and i face several decisions regarding medications, school, and family. i'm facing a lot of decisions right now, and feeling a lot of anxiety and fear in the midst of it all. and i ask for continued prayer for my mood, though i'm feeling significantly better, there are still a lot of really hard days along the way.