questioning school

okay, so it's probably because of my the bad mood i've been in, but this week i just keep wondering why it is i want to get my master's, and particularly why it is i want to get my master's in counseling.

first of all, school and i have never gotten along. me + school = bad. it took me 12 years to get around to finishing my undergrad. i've struggled every day that i've ever been in school, with sitting still in class, with getting my work done, and with the stress, anxiety, and depression that creep in on me whenever i'm taking classes. so if it's been so hard, why is it that i'm even thinking about getting a master's?

based on past experiences, i'm full of self-doubt. can i do this? should i even try? is getting a degree worth the emotional agony that most classes put me through? or can i, now that i know i have adhd, finally figure out some way to actually handle being in school?

then there's the whole issue of the subject matter. if, after 30 years of life, i have yet to find a way to get my own depression and anxiety under control, how is it that i can even entertain the possibility of helping someone else in a therapeutic relationship? knowing my own selfishness, narcissism, and emotional struggles, i wonder whether there is any wisdom in seeking to enter this particular helping profession. i cannot enter such a field if i suspect i may do more harm than good to anyone; and these days, i have trouble believing that i will be able to do more good than harm to anyone.

i was trying to get my application for school finished for yesterday, but some of the questions posed for the essays were ones i don't have the answers to these days. what elements of my story make me want to go to this particular school? to study counseling? and while i know that i want to be here, that i want to attend this school, i simultaneously doubt that i even want to be in school at all or that i should even seek a counseling degree. i certainly don't feel capable of playing the role of counselor for anyone.

so today, these days, i don't have the answer to those questions. and thus, my application sits on my computer half finished and i am left sitting full of doubts and questions.