history of doctors

i think i'm writing this to remind myself why i am taking such trouble to find a good doctor out here.

but anyway, my history with psychiatrists:
1. dr. who-thought-i-was-anti-semitic: put me on a medication that sent me into a drug-induced psychosis, but didn't believe me when i told him it wasn't really working out for me.

2. dr. who-diagnosed-drug-induced-psychosis: she was nice, but i only saw her in the hospital, and she just went off and started me on another med just like the one i'd been on, which wasn't wise.

3. dr. a**hole: changed my med even though i hadn't been taking the one i was on long enough to see if it would work, and added another one. when i asked him what kind of meds they were, he quite condecendingly answered, "well, this one is to help organize your thoughts and this one is to help control your thoughts." later he called me a liar. he stormed out of the room once when he didn't like my answers to his questions. he tried to convince people that i was schizophrenic - or had some form of psychosis. and he wouldn't believe that i hadn't hallucinated or that i didn't use drugs.

4. we call him dr. death: when i was 19, and had been in a deep depression for a while - though recently diagnosed and just starting to do a bit better - he told me that i would never live a normal life, never be able to finish school or hold down a job or have a family, he said that i was very sick and always would be. granted, he might have been right about some of that, but it wasn't really the time or place to say that. but i am now happily married and have been for several years, have finally finished college (it did take me a while, but i did get through it), am taking courses in grad school, i have held down jobs at times (sometimes it's been too hard), so he wasn't right about most of it. then, he later put me on meds that were dangerous because of what i already had in my system and pretty much could've killed me.

5. dr. toad: well, he did look like one. he was dr. death's partner, so i had to see him when dr. death wasn't there. within minutes of first meeting me he told me that i was no more mature than a kindergartener. it went downhill from there. i refused to see him again.

6. dr. the-child-and-adolescent doc: he was kinder than the last few, but kind of oblivious as to what was going on with me. never really did much or follow through on anything.

7. dr. radio: i don't have a better name for him, but i found him when i heard him speak on a radio show and he sounded like a reasonable person. it took more than an hour's drive to see him, but he was more familiar with some of the disorders i'd been diagnosed with at the time, so that was good. he didn't catch most of what was going on, but more than any had before. but then he moved even further away.

8. dr. clueless: i almost feel bad calling him that. but the man put me on an anti-depressant which after the first dose threw me into a manic state for 30 hours, and then he kept me on it and even increased the dosage. he gave me meds that i asked for without asking why i needed or wanted them (i did need them, but two of them are controlled substances).

9. dr. wicked-awesome (if you've lived in boston, you get what i'm sayin'): i didn't know doctors like this existed. compassionate. respectful. he listened. he explained things. he didn't treat me like an idiot. he let me make decisions as to what i would and wouldn't take. he made sure i was informed about the positives and negatives of each medication before giving it to me. even though i seem to be medication resistant, he never stopped trying. he didn't believe what others told him about me, but believed what he knew of me personally. he trusted me and i was able to trust him. he could tell how i was doing as soon as i walked in the door to his office and always worked hard to eliminate my symptoms.

now i've moved away and thus can't see him anymore. and thus the last two i've seen (Dr. N & Dr. H from my last post), and my current hunt for someone new.

and in the midst of all this, i'm wishing i were back in boston, able to see a good doc at MGH - dr. wicked-awesome or perhaps a specialist in their mood-disorders clinic or their women's clinic.